“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
You Might Also Like
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
I love you…
…r dog.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?