“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.