Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

“Huge”.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

You were the one.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.