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Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
the three branches of government
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
can’t catch a break
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”