Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

some Old Testament wisdom

When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

Tier 3 meme

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.