No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.