No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.