No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I think my mom just blocked me
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*