Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Good dog. ❤️

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book