Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

👀

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue