Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?