No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
*offers Batman cough drops*
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?