NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom