Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers