No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Pizza is an emotion right?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write