No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
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Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
There are no pants in heaven.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no