No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
You Might Also Like
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power