No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
then why did i get this email
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”