Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?