No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
With this onion ring, I thee fed
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*