No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.