Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

A short story of betrayal:

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient