Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Pandas 🐼🖤

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you