Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.