Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.