Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?