no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
You Might Also Like
this has to be peak English
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”