Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

#dalle2

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

If only

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention