No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*