No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I will never stop laughing at this
