Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

*puts my mental health in rice

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

phew

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Accurate

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

When someone says you are so lazy

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.