no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
#titanic
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator