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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“Sheer Arrogance”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
#titanic
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.