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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?