No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
sensitive skin
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.