“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.