I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
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God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.
Said no one ever.