@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

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@TheBoydP

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

@sidneelyn

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

@drewtoothpaste

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

@DavePrimeau

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

@AshToTheFuture

Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.