@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

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@WilliamAder

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

@LeBearGirdle

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

@fro_vo

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

@ThisLocalHater

Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?

@BlindVigil

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

@mommywhitfield

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

@jaboukie

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

@MatticusFinch1

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.