At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
You Might Also Like
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I think my mom just blocked me
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo