@VisionBored1

no one talks about how difficult it is to name your baby when you’re a teacher

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@ewfeez

Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”

@EndhooS

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

@Cheeseboy22

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

@hermanntrude

The Flintstones had cars, record players, TV, radio, helicopters, lawn mowers…

but not shoes.

@Marcmywords2

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

@my_minivan_life

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

@Marlebean

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

@dearjhonletter

hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min

@HomeProbably

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.