no one talks about how difficult it is to name your baby when you’re a teacher

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Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”


Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste


Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.


The Flintstones had cars, record players, TV, radio, helicopters, lawn mowers…

but not shoes.


Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.


Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.


It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.


hate when i forget to bring a towel into the bathroom when i take a shower and have to dry off by doing karate in the mirror for 45 min


My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.