No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.