No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*