No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
You Might Also Like
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
How all things should be taught/explained.
You were the one.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..