Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

This is the best one I’ve seen

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

Isn’t

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?