cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. If you’re not within punching distance I’m not interested
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m a virgin but I have sex sometimes