No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil


I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.


When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.


[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe


cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*


I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. If you’re not within punching distance I’m not interested


Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.


Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.


*wakes up drenched in sweat*