No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
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Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
john wicks are toilet candles
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
🏙👨🏼
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.