No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense