Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.