No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels