No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
About to form my very first opinion
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I wanna be friends with this person
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye