No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.