No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.