No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.