No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
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I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Breaking news:
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way