No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
New comic up. “Ransom”
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want