Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.