No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Cannot stop laughing at this
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?