No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
When you let grandma cat sit
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”