No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?