No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

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Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small


Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.


So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.


OMG my 5-year-old just put down her Legos and said “I was willing to give Joe Biden the benefit of the doubt from his time with Obama, but openly praising Dick Cheney, who orchestrated the legal precedent for torture, war crimes, and exacerbating global warming is disqualifying.”


My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.


All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.


If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.


*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*