No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner