no one told me the chinese new year passed here it is the year of the snake and I’m still writing dragon all my checks
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My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My wife, to our therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions.”
Therapist, to me: “What does she mean?”
Me: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.