“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
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‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
g
a
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
this has done me in for some reason
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.