No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
anyone else like Italian cereal
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Good morning
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??