No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.