No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true