No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Well, this is awkward
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me too
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.