No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
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vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.