No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
You Might Also Like
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
