Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok