No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
🤣could you imagine
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
nyc:
dark side of the loom
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Actually cracking up @ this
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling