No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Is this anything
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family