No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
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Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Seems legit.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers