Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management