No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”