No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
dude it’s called proctologist
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Bread puns are on the rise!
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?