no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
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Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now