Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

sliding into dms like

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*