Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain