No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.