No one watches your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you😭
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Human are so complicated
We all have our pet causes.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
i want to work in this restaurant
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still