No one watches your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you😭
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Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder