No one watches your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you😭
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Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?